How to Make Lemonade

I've been thinking back on this time 3 years ago, and how Matt and I had come to the end of our rope. My body was so tired from trying to get pregnant. I had spent close to two years focused on what my body was not able to do. We had also just lost a close family member to cancer. It was a tough Christmas. In the midst of that season, I felt myself coming to a new place. I realized the only way to move forward was to start focusing on what my body could do.

       If I could tell anyone walking through infertility one thing, it would be this: above what you are currently experiencing, value your body and soul. You've only been given one shot at this life! Even if you don't feel like it, eat healthy foods, get some exercise that you enjoy, take care of your skin and hair, get in a self defense class or other physically challenging activity. Christian yoga and meditation have continued to be a lifeline for me. I love the youtube videos by Morgan Day Cecil. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2InnDVZX2OIEO2WV0uLNIw

        Dare I say it, attempt to regain intimacy with your spouse. This is an area where couples feel so beaten down, so you will really need to work on it. Take care of yourself like you would a best friend.

       You need to grieve what's been lost, that is only healthy and natural. In truth, I'm still a little sad sometimes when I think about what I haven't experienced. Over those months between September and January when we ended fertility treatments and started looking at adoption agencies, I was a mess of emotions. I was so mad/sad/confused that I know I was hard to listen to, but my closest friends and family did. They hung in there with me. Their listening ears helped me grieve the way I needed to. 

    

       God led Matt and I all the way through. He put a fire in our hearts to pursue our child through adoption, and there was no stopping us! I am so happy I processed through infertility the way I did before welcoming Jonah into our home. He needed a mama that could love him the way he deserved. I needed to learn self care so I could care for him with my whole heart.

       I've loved reading other's blogs that have walked the path of infertility. God puts broken people back together, and I feel like I'm part of a strong community because of their openness. Solidarity has been key for me.  I hope this little piece of advice can give someone else a tool to work their way out of the sadness and disappointment. 

The show This Is Us has touched my heart on so many levels. I'll leave you with this quote from their first episode.“There’s no lemon so sour that you can’t make something resembling lemonade.” Let this be true for you like it has been for me.

With you,

Kristin

The Blessed Ones

     

        Jonah is 22 months old now, and we are approaching the anniversary of his adoption. Milestones always get me to thinking. What have our experiences as a family been like over this past year? How are we adjusting to being an unconventional family? Most of the time I feel like we approach our days with confidence and encounter only kind, polite strangers. I genuinely love where we live, and I am so thankful we ended up in a diverse neighborhood that also has a sense of unity.
       One of the only comments that have been surprising is how often we are told, "He is so lucky (to have been adopted)!" Interestingly, several times this has come from individuals who were adopted themselves or have adopted children. Let me tell you, this is the absolute opposite of how we feel. The idea of someone thinking of Jonah as a victim makes me cringe. I understand that no one ever has ill intent when they speak it, but it's still painful to hear, especially when I think they might still be saying it when Jonah is old enough to understand.
       For anyone who actually knows our story, they know that Matt and I are the lucky ones, if you even believe luck had anything to do with it. God is the only one that could orchestrate every little piece of the puzzle that it took for Jonah to end up permanently in our home. Even if Jonah's birth mother hadn't decided to place with us after taking him home, a battle was already won for Jonah's life when his birth mother decided to carry him when so many were encouraging her to have an abortion. He would have had my prayers for the rest of my life, and I've felt God reassure me that those prayers would not have been lifted up in vain. I believe God had a big plan for our boy, even if he didn't end up in our home. So, as you can see, we are the blessed ones.
      We get to watch him grow, we get to be delighted by his every gesture and word, we were given the privilege of raising the child his birth mother was strong enough to carry to term and give birth to, and to take excellent care of for 11 days, until she felt God leading her to place with us. Jonah is a victor, "He is the head and not the tail, above and not beneath," (Deuteronomy 28:13)
       So this is what I will continue to tell him, as he grows and begins to understand the well intended words of strangers. Next month on the 16th, we won't celebrate "Gotcha Day", as some like to call it. We will remember God's completed work, and send love and thanks to Jonah's birth family. Our boy was not rescued, God rescued us by bringing Jonah.

Love,
Kristin

The Rest of Our Adoption Story

                I’ve realized as we begin a new year, it’s time to share the rest of our adoption story. It should be obvious to most people that follow me on social media that I don’t like to share the hard things on a large scale. It was hard for Matt and I to realize we needed to start blogging about our experience with infertility and our road to adopting Jonah. As much as I dislike “going there”, the story doesn’t end with Jonah’s placement.

                It took us ten months to finalize his adoption. I won’t go into all of the details of why this was such a long ordeal, but I will summarize by saying that it mostly had to do with Jonah’s birthfather and his refusal to consent. We ran the gamut of emotions over this. We knew because of his lack of support of Jonah’s birthmother that his rights would be terminated against his will if it came to that, but we were trying to avoid that road if we could.

                When we were called and told about Jonah’s birthmother’s situation, I felt God clearly tell me about his birthfather, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this!” I held on tight to those words for many months, and felt drawn to pray that Jonah’s birthfather would consent so that we would be able to have a connection with him and he would be able to receive updates and pictures. I know, crazy, right? I still had my fair share of moments of wanting to strangle him, feeling outraged; truly infuriated that he would make this process so long.

                There was a book my mother gave me for Jonah called “The Circle Maker”. The basic concept of the book is learning to pray bold, unrelenting prayers. I began to pray with more boldness than I had ever experienced before. God would point me to verses, leading me to speak blessings over Jonah’s birthfather. Only through the Holy Spirit could I have done this.

                By the time July rolled around, Jonah’s birthfather had been given multiple opportunities to sign the consent, and every time refused. He eventually seemed to drop off the face of the earth, and we had come to the decision with our attorney to have his rights terminated in court. On the Monday after Independence Day, Jonah’s birthmother communicated with our agency letting them know that she had spoken with Jonah’s birthfather and he was ready to consent! After they met with him and he signed the papers, they called us to let us know. We were in shock at God’s provision, just as we had been when Jonah’s birthmother had changed her mind and chosen to place him with us.

              

                 We finalized our adoption September 16^th, and what a glorious day it was!  Since then we have enjoyed getting more information about Jonah’s family history and exchanging pictures with both of his birthparents. As incredibly difficult as our journey was, we have ended with the best possible outcome for Jonah. I am filled with joy every time I think about how God took such a miserable mess in both our lives and Jonah’s birthparents’ lives, and turned it into something beautiful and unique.

                I pray more than anything that the spiritual muscles I’ve gained in our journey will not grow weak sitting on the mountain top. We know God will need to provide a miracle for us to continue building our family, and I pray we will recall his faithfulness and believe again. We thank each and every one of you that prayed us through the most difficult times. We pray our story encourages others to believe for the impossible.

Living in amazement, Kristin

Our Whirlwind Life Since Our Last Post

For most of our readers, you have known for quite some time that 10 days after we met a little boy in a hospital room and thought our hopes of raising him had been lost, we received a call from our agency letting us know his birth mother had changed her mind, signed the papers, and wanted us to have him!!!!! This is a picture of us driving to get him.

 Meet Jonah William De'John Krauss! This was the picture we used to announce his arrival.

To say we were overwhelmed and shocked is an understatement. We had just spent the past week and a half mourning, convincing ourselves we were probably better off, and figuring out ways we could engage ourselves until the next opportunity came around. I was in the mindset of, "you aren't going to be a mom right now", and with one phone call was jarred into "there is a baby waiting for you to come and get him." Since that day a little less than five months ago, I've noticed how that dramatic shift has affected me. It's extremely different from what parents expecting a child naturally go through. It gives you the most amazing sense that you are living in a dream, or you were just awakened from the longest, darkest nightmare to find yourself living the life you thought might be impossible. There is really know way to put it into words perfectly, but it's something that will stay with me forever.

To also feel I profited from someone else's loss is much more intense than what I imagined it would be. We know we have helped Jonah's birth mom in the best way possible, but I always wish there was more I could do. She ultimately wanted less contact with us than what we had originally agreed to. The reality of it all finally hit her and she knew she couldn't do it. We will be sending her an update letter and photos a few times this first year, and twice a year until he turns 18. We had one last phone call the day we arrived at the agency to take him home, and I don't have a reason to believe we'll get to hear her voice again. This is a harder truth than many would think. It's even harder when you can tell your loved ones are relieved to learn this, while you are left feeling like you've lost a good friend.  I dream sometimes that we get to speak again.

I wanted to share this side of things on the blog because it's the part most people want to ignore or forget. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that mine and Matt's days are filled with a type of joy we've never experienced before. I want to magnify the fact that this joy was given to us. Not just by God, but by a woman that we may never see again. Adoption is awesome, and it wouldn't be half as amazing without the bittersweet emotions. Remember that when you think of the loss God must have felt giving his Son for us. There is truly no better picture of salvation, in my humble opinion.

Our posts will probably continue to be less frequent than they once were because our days are now spent doing life with Jonah, and I'm okay with that! I've been so happy to hear our blog has been shared with others who are facing similar challenges when deciding to start a family. That was what originally inspired me to write, and what I continue to find community in. I pray that among the body of Christ we continue to find transparency and support no matter what our struggle, not the masks that so often are paraded.

For those of you that haven't seen pictures of our boy via social media, here he is today!

Living in bliss,
Kristin 

A Bump in the Road

Well, it's been quite some time since I've had anything to say. I've been focused on getting youth group up and running for this year and being a vessel for God to use in my ministry during this season. Matt has been helping me in getting my older youth group started as well as leading an adult connect group in our church. It's been an exciting, challenging season, and not one where we feel like we've just been sitting around waiting. Over the past few weeks, I felt God drawing me closer to him in a whole new way, and asking me to make some sacrifices to strengthen our connection. This is when I decided to break from Facebook. I won't go into explaining my angst about this particular form of social media, I just knew it was something I needed to do.

We knew when we began this journey toward adoption that we would experience some bumps in the road and we recently experienced one that tested our strength and faith. It even caused me to momentarily doubt whether adoption was the right path for us.

I won't include all the details but it all began on October 7th when Matt received a call from the adoption agency about a mother who was already in labor. She had contacted the adoption agency late for reasons I won't go into. The agency gave Matt as many details about the case as possible and asked him to decide within 30 minutes if we were to be presented to the mother. He decided to go ahead and have them present us. He later found out that she was not actually in labor and had been sent home from the hospital but that she did choose us. When Matt told me, I was excited but also cautious because of details the agency revealed to us that could possibly lead to a failed placement. Nevertheless, this was exciting news!

We began waiting to hear the call that we could go to Orlando to get our baby. We spent this waiting period praying that everything would go smoothly if it was God's will that we adopt this baby but also that it would not be allowed to go through if it wasn't the right situation for us.

Ten days later, we got the call. She was in labor. We felt a mix of emotions that is hard to describe. We felt overwhelmed, excited, surprised, but guarded because we did not want to experience heartbreak in the event that the placement failed. We went to the store to buy some last minute baby supplies, installed the car seat, and packed our bags in preparation to travel to Orlando the next day. We found out at 9:30 PM that a healthy baby boy was born.

As we were driving to Orlando the next day, we got a phone call from the agency that a family member had expressed interest in adopting the baby but that we were still the birth mother's first choice. We became even more doubtful at this point but continued on.

We arrived at the hospital in Orlando at about 4:00 PM and met the agency representative. After a short wait in the hospital lobby, we went up to meet the birth mother. Both the birth mother and the baby were in the room and baby was as cute as we were told he was. She asked if we would hold the baby so both Matt and I did. She then reassured us that the family member was not going to adopt the baby and that she had no doubt we were the right couple to parent her child. She said that she wanted to bless us and that she was in no way prepared to parent this child. We talked for a while about how we would raise the baby and about what her goals and aspirations were. She then gave us a hug and told us the baby was ours. She said all we had to do was come back to the hospital tomorrow and sign the paperwork. Many, but not all, of our doubts were gone at that point. We were as close to being parents as we have ever been.

We stayed the night in Orlando and got up the next morning waiting to hear from the agency that we could go to the hospital to sign the paperwork and take home our baby. We had to wait for them to be discharged before we could go to the hospital so we spent some time on the grounds of the bed and breakfast we stayed at. It was an old Florida style house built in 1883 with a beautiful garden. The weather was perfect so we spent some time in the garden with a big orange cat that had curled up next to Kristin on a bench.

The cat seemed to know that we needed comfort

After what seemed like an eternity, Matt got a phone call from the agency. It was not what we expected to hear. Matt knew immediately something was wrong because our agency representative did not give the normal, upbeat greeting. She said, "Hey Matt" then paused, "I just got off the phone with the birth mom counselor and [the birth mom] has changed her mind. She has decided to parent the baby." I didn't even have to ask Matt because I knew by his face that everything had changed in an instant. My heart sank. At first I couldn't understand why because of everything she told us; she was so sure adoption was the right path and that we were the right parents. We went from expecting to hear news that would change our life to driving home with an empty car seat to continue life as it had always been.

There were a lot of tears and a lot of questions in our minds but now that we've had almost two weeks to recover, I know I wouldn't change anything about our decision. We were given the opportunity to minister to a hurting woman in a way that few would be open to. She had probably experienced more instability than anyone I have ever met, which we believe lead to her change of heart.

At first we were so hurt and confused. How could God let us get into this situation only to be left empty handed? We were angry at her for building up our hopes only to go back on everything she had promised. What injustice! What kind of life would that child go on to live? God has been so gracious in not letting us stay too long in this place of questioning.

One thing is for certain- Matt and I have grown closer than ever since we've faced this trial. We got to talk about what our true desires were for the adoption, and we realized that although we would have loved that little boy for our entire lives, the situation as a whole was not what we had been asking God for. God cares about our heart's desires! We chose adoption not only to help a child, but to help the mother also.  In my deep moments of prayer, I knew God was leading me to pray for a woman with big dreams and goals for her life, and that by raising her child, we would be enabling her to fulfill her calling. The person we met just a week ago was so lost and hopeless that her dreams barely touched the ceiling. We will never forget her and will continue to believe she will see redemption in this life.

As for the disappointment, we know it wasn't God's will for us to be hurt by this situation. He loves us so much that he allows us to make choices, and he knew ultimately our hearts would be blessed by getting to touch another woman's life on the way to finding our baby.

My belief that we will have our baby has only been strengthened by all of it. I think next time around we will have a clearer picture of who we're looking for. I ask that you continue to pray for us as we wait. Pray for Matt as he continues to make the decision about who we will be presented to. Pray for patience so that we can make wise choices and avoid unnecessary expenses and frustration.

This has been a painful experience, and although we appreciate everyone's sympathies, we want to be able to move on in anticipation and not be reminded of this disappointment. Thank you for understanding.

In perseverance,
Kristin

Anything but Barren

       I've just finished spending a week with my youth group at camp. What an amazing experience! I think I was just as blessed if not more than the kids.

God has been speaking to me a lot lately about not living in the “waiting room” during this period of my life. While visiting Kentucky in June, a dear friend of mine said something that so perfectly described my state of mind at that point that I've thought about it ever since. She said that I probably felt like my life was waiting to begin. So true! It was after that I felt God speaking to me, reminding me that although Matt and I still don’t have a child in our home, my life is anything but barren.

        God has given me the most precious gift of being a youth leader. I've always thought I might work with kids at one point or another, maybe in a school setting, but I truly did not set out in life thinking this was my calling. The job fell into my lap last fall. God also gave the perfect group of kids for me. I actually call them little old ladies- most of them value their sleep, do very well in school, and get irritated by loud music. I do have a small number of boys in my group, but it is mostly comprised of girls. They have been such a blessing to me, especially as we have gone through this entire process. They are all so excited for me to be a mom.

         While in worship one night at camp, I looked over the sea of middle school boys and girls, and God reminded me of the verse John 4:35, “Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for the harvest." I was overwhelmed by the enormity of my task. During the rest of the week, I witnessed such a deep hunger for God, not only in my own youth’s hearts, but in so many others’ that God allowed me to minister to. 

         There is another verse in John that speaks of the harvest again, saying that the laborers are few. God has fixed my path in such a way that I must pour what he has given me into these kids NOW. My current plan for when we have our baby is to continue my work, but who knows how that plan could be up ended. That means I have a lot of work to do in an unknown period of time.

          I ask you dear readers; please pray that God allows our story to unfold in his perfect timing. Clearly, this isn't just about me! I still have moments of aching to have my baby now, but then I am reminded of the weighty calling I've been given.

         It will be four years on August 10^th since I lost my dad. There was a picture that someone took of him in recent years looking out on our hill in Kentucky, holding a gardening hoe. I pray I can do even a fraction of the work he did while here on earth.

For the harvest,

Kristin 

First Time Parents and Oddball Requests

         

        

        As public as we've been with our story, I have realized there are a few changes that will be taking place as we grow closer to the day we bring Baby Krauss home.  I need to give you all more detail as to how this “waiting period” is going to go. Matt and I have decided that if any potential situations arise, he will be the only one notified. This means until we are presented to a potential birth mother and she chooses us (meaning we are matched) I won’t know anything. So if you see me in person and ask for updates, I’m going to give you a clueless look and shrug. We decided to do this because the reality of knowing we are being presented to someone and them not choosing us, possibly many, many times, was too much for this heart to bear. My hero of a husband came up with this solution, and it’s made for a pretty great last month. (Don’t even think about pestering him for information. If he’s not sharing with me, his lips are sealed!)

        The only thing that has taken away the comfort of this situation is when people ask me for updates. Here is an illustration to explain my point: you know you’ve just gotten in a car to take a potentially very long car ride. You’ve accepted this fact, and have made up your mind to try and enjoy the scenery while you drive this undesignated amount of time. After about ten minutes, one of your kids in the back pipes up, “Are we there yet?” You, of course, inform them that you haven’t arrived yet, and this proceeds to happen every 10 minutes or so. At this point, you, the driver, have totally missed all the pretty scenery and have grown frustrated and impatient about your drive.

         This is how I feel when people ask daily for updates. This new arrangement with Matt in charge has made the waiting period much less stressful for me but when I am asked “are you there yet,” it brings to the forefront some of that stress. The reality of the situation is, even when we are chosen by a birth family, we still might not tell everyone. This could be for several different reasons. It could all happen so fast there are no steps in between waiting and having our baby in our arms. It could be that the situation seems unsteady and we’re nervous it won’t work out. Up until this point, our story has been ours to tell. The rest of this process involves our baby’s story, and also their birth parents’ stories. Those are not ours to tell. When our baby arrives, it will be safe to assume the birth family did not feel equipped to raise a child, and that’s why they were placed with us. All other details will remain private.

         We know the reason anyone asks us for an update every time they talk to us is because they care and want to show they are interested in what’s going on with us. My request is that you would express this caring by letting us know you are praying for us. We deeply appreciate all of the prayers that have been lifted up for us so far, and we can’t wait to tell our baby how much they were loved before they even arrived.

          I know in the past I have criticized the seemingly strange requests first time parents have made, and now that I’m almost standing in those shoes, I ask your forgiveness. I’m sure we will have other oddball requests as we venture further down the path, and I ask that you would try to see things through our eyes and understand we’re just doing what we think is best for our unique little family.

Always grateful,

Kristin